Len is gone. The discordant music notes came from her CD player, the cold touch from the metal case. Each time I was reminded that she was truly, and finally, gone. Standing in front of her grave, my finger traced through Len’s favorite pattern – fleur-de-lis.The rough surface of the gravestone scratched my finger. I did not care. There just seem to be a huge hollowness in my heart that you can drive a truck through. It would never heal. Len was my sister. She was just there for me, always. I did not know much her support meant for me until her departure. “Len, how I miss our time together.” “Len, how am I going to live without you?” “Now I am standing in front of your eternal resting place. Please forgive me for being weak.” My vision began to blur. I did not want to cry when my teachers shot me confused looks when my grades began to drop rapidly, when my ignorant parents yelled at me, and when Len got her leukemia treatments. At the moment, I did not have to be strong for Len anymore; and for the first time since her death, I let tears stream down my face. I started daydreaming. I never knew how easy it was to slip inside the world of my own and get away from the rest of the world. Surrounded by masked students with fake smiles in school, the only thing that I cared about is Len’s CD player, and music. About one month passed since her death. My grades were way down. Nobody in school seemed to notice that Len was gone. They just kept on living their heartless lives as though nothing had happened. How could they? I retreated more and more into my own dimension, where there were only warmth and happiness. There was no dreadful pain and hurtful reality. No one ever had to die. I could spend all my time with Len. Then a new student came in. She must be another person who told lots of sweet lies. I did not even bother to look up when she was being introduced. To my great disgust, she was seated right next to me. “Hey. My name is Faith. What’s your name?” She asked quite warmly. Here we go again. They were all like that. Once they found out that you are not as “interesting” as they thought you would be, they would leave you behind. I waited, expecting her to get annoyed and shut up; but she did not. For the first time in many days, I tilted my head and looked into her eyes. Faith was different. She was full of the smell of fresh sunshine and green apples. She liked to wear sweaters with really long sleeves. Best of all, she liked music, especially my favorite song - “Where Had All The Flowers Gone”. “Who are those little girls in pain, trapped inside the castle on the dark side of Moon. Twelve of them shining bright in vain, like flowers that blossom just once in years. They are dancing in the shadow like whispers of love, just dreaming of the place where they’re free as dove. Where had all the flowers gone, where had all the flowers gone?” When did school start to seem not so bad? After a while I started spending a lot of time with her. Shopping from one retail to another; eating gelato ice cream and share the same pair of earphones. Sometimes we faced north, feeling the wind on our cheeks. I watched as her silky black hair entwines as the jolly wind blew. I sensed the whirlpool in front of my path but still fell in it helplessly. I felt uneasy but happy at the same time. Does it count as a betrayal to Len? Faith was filling up the emptiness in my heart from Len’s death, and I feared that someday she would take up all of Len’s space left in my heart. Then I would gradually forget Len. The happiness and warmth we once shared would start fading, little by little, eventually turn into pure void. At night, I had nightmares. It was cold and damp, the scenes of Len dying kept repeating itself; then the dying Len turned into Faith, wearing Len’s clothes and listening from her CD player. The smell of apples and tears lingered in the air. I woke up covered in cold sweat. I began to emerge back into my shell once again and distancing Faith. She gave me confused looks and seemed really hurt. I knew my actions were pitiful and cowardly; but I just could not figure out what kind of place Faith held in my heart, and it would not be fair for her if I only see her as a replacement of Len. In another way, I could never forget Len. If Faith was taking up Len’s space in my heart, I would definitely stop our friendship; but even when I was thinking this, I was uncertain. She is more important than Len? When did I start thinking like this? There was one thing for certain. Time spent with her made me realize that I was the one putting up the expressionless and cold mask. Not the people around me. Did she change me bit by bit? The next day, I was cleaning up drawers of Len’s old clothes when I suddenly found the one Faith always wore in my dreams. I sighed deeply, because I still had not decided what should I say to her yet. I was planning on tucking the shirt away forever when I noticed that a pocket was lumpier than usual. There was a sheet of paper stuffed inside. I smoothed out the folds. As I was doing so, Len’s neat handwriting began to appear: Dear sister: When you are reading this, I’ll probably be gone forever. Ah, how it assembles a bad line from a second rate love song; but sadly, it is true.
My eyes were a little itchy, and everything started to become blurry. I kept on reading. Now, don’t start crying or anything because I’ll always be there for you. I will never truly be gone. Deep in your heart, you will always remember me, and treasure your memories with me in hereforever whether you know it or not. Start your new days and keep in mind that I will be watching you and protecting you, my dear little sister, always. You used to ask me where had all the flowers gone. Today I can finally answer you. Sweetie, they were not gone. Things that you once cherished will always be in your memories, and someday, I believe, I will see you again. Love, Len. Surprisingly, I did not cry. Something I had been trying to grasp suddenly began to make sense. I will always value my memories with Len forever and ever; but I can’t just dwell at one certain point of my life forever. I will also cherish my newfound relationships and build on them. I will get on with life. That is what Len would expect from me, is it? The first thing I am going to do is to call Faith and set a time to go to Gelato Ice Cream together and talk. Maybe I will consider getting a new CD player. Len’s old one is starting to fall apart. --------------------------------------------------------- hi it's amy.. i've hacked into ur account again..lmao.. just to tell u .. i can't comment u...dunno y.. it just doesn't work..o well...XP.... i' really like friendship stories.. and i luv that song...XDD @miko
| 